Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
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He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
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You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
I think I just shit out all my problems.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
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