all the sharp corners in my house are covered with litter foam blocks. al set for partying
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
At least now when I say "never again" the likelihood is that it won't actually happen again the next weekend...that my friend is called growth
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
Is she still on a quest to lick every stranger that enters the bar, or have the restraining orders reached critical mass?
Randomize
