i told him i was gay. he said that gay guys are supposed to be pretty.
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
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i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
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Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
THE SUN DOESNT SET TIL 647 YAAAAASSSSSSSSSS. Goodbye seasonal depression hello regular depression
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