I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
she's not even a shacker, she never made it inside. she's just a porch girl
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
I just criticized a porno's use of editing. Film school is ruining me.
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
Randomize
