It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
Spent like 2 minutes so far learning and 35 minutes in a group chat talking about big asses. Yet another Wed zoom meeting.
Randomize
