I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
What is your friends name that I hooked up with? ....I think j found his credit card under my bed
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
Shame is for Republicans.
Randomize
