What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
O.A.R does not stand for Old Recycled Abortions.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
So you let the Viking explore your nether regions?
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
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