i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
Just made ouyt with a dude on the real wporld...I said I dont want my face blired out
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
I don’t understand his energy
What? Nice? Lmao
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