I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
this is the fifth day in a row i've woken up after 3 pm, hungover. I might die when snowmageddon is finally over and we have to go back to class. my liver wont know how to take it.
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Randomize
