what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
Romer got arrested for getting in a bar fight with a bus boy because he was trying to steal a keg, had it all the way to the car
something isn't right. i offered to be his sex slave and he declined..
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
I would convert to being a Republican and Mormon just to sleep with Romney's sons. The things I would to do them.
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
I'm glad we smoked together,that was probs the biggest sibling bonding we will ever have.
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
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