If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
This whole living in Ohio thing is getting reaaaaallly old.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
Does your throat ever get sore from being choked too hard or do u think I'm just getting sick??
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
Randomize
