i wish starbucks made bloody marys
I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I was so high i started crying when i saw how much puppychow was there.
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
Hippo gnu deer
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
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