holy crap !! There is a MIDGET FAMILY in one of my rooms today !
How much trouble would you get into if you were to stomp down the hallway while loudly saying 'Fe Fi Fo Fum...'
I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
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