Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
We need to either start getting drunk more often or one of us need to start doin drugs
Wtf? Why?
I want awesome conversations to show the world.
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
Randomize
