I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
Randomize
