i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
I feel like we had some profound moment last night, but I can't really recall much past your ass turning up the volume on the radio.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
Randomize
