3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
I just found our entire wall-to-wall from September 2006 printed out and clipped... it's 49 pages. Blackout me is so considerate of bored-at-work me
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
But really, what kind of hoe life adventure in Mexico would you do that would top me blowing a trucker?
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
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