i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
Be honest with Daniel. He was a good rebound to you for nine months and he made it so you could be with the one you really love and care for now. Just tell him thanks and best of luck.
no i do not regret standing at the wendys drive thu handing the employees mardi gra beads to get free chicken nuggets
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
Randomize
