She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
i will be the first lesbian to ever fail women's studies.
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
Sooo i'm debating posing nude for the drawing and painting classes, I just wanna see if they draw my nip ring.
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
I'm reading fall out boy fanfic. What has my life come to.
Randomize
