I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
we didnt plan anything. just randomly met up in the park, both reached into our pockets and each lit up a joint without exchanging words. we're telepathic potheads.
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
Randomize
