No awkward lesbian experiences without me
I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
have you facebook stalked him yet?
No, I don’t know his last name...
Just google his license plate numb
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
I'm going to a foam party and gonna grind someones dick off hayy
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
welp,tonight ive reached new levels. by new levels I mean,i showed some guys my boobs for water. on your tab.. the most pointless thing ive ever done. either we should hang out way more,or never again.
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