so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
Randomize
