I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
i just remembered that i beat off next to you while we were naked and passed out next to each other after last night... No Homo
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
so i was thinking... those 6 am shots weren't really needed.
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
Randomize
