I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
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