i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
Randomize
