Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
I may be new to bar life, but full on grabbing my vag shouldn't happen...anywhere.
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
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