Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
i should do something illegal before my birthday. as of thursday im old enough to go to jail.
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
I had this image of some guy in a taco truck down by the IMA accosting you for a peep show.
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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