The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
This is why i like single justin better. my only regret is not being present for more of his short life. may he rest in peace
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
Idk she seemed really innocent until she snorted that line of vicodin
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
Randomize
