Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
i failed horribly. studying for that final was as pointless as Vinnie is to Jersey Shore
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
Apparently she got a minor consumption for using vodka soak tapmons
Does that work!! Please say yes
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
Randomize
