The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
They are chanting tits for freedom and I'm highly considering
hand shaped bruises on both boobs again....i wish i could say this is the first time.
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
If those antibiotics mean you can't drink, ya might as well pack your bags and re-enroll next fall, because sobriety this week would be social suicide.
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
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