why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
the only time it's appropriate to sing In The Air Tonight by Phils Collins is while sake bombing at Cal Beach
um or while having sex on a train
ask if his dick looks like a sausage. alex's bro told me that's a sure sign. btw took pain pills. maybe shouldn't listen to me.
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
