Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
Mel Gibson is dating a 24 year old
You're not Mel Gibson and I'm not 24.
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
Randomize
