I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
He's worked out some sort of arangment where all three of them are dating each other and they've all moved into an apt. with two king beds pushed together
A true beacon of hope in these dark times
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
Randomize
