you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
If I'm going to risk life and limb to wear a Wings jersey to the Garden next week, the least they can do is win.
And the most would be ending up in bed with one of them.
I'm just a little concerned for your well being... and your penis too I suppose.
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
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