he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
ok 1 i realized people actually live in central wisconsin and 2 culvers could be a good place to pick up chicks today
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
i looked up and she was looking over the stall watching me pee and told me to unlock the door. that dedicated to sucking my dick.
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
Male strippers are involved. You are coming
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Randomize
