my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
bring money and cleavage
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
Randomize
