I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
dude your girlfriend loves you alot..she yelled your name lastnight in bed
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
Just the amount of girls he locked himself in my room woth says your gonna have to take a cab bro. I don't think he's going anywhere
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
Randomize
