I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
Well for starters, her tits were hairy.
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
Randomize
