You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
Well, my eyeball is red and the rest of my eye is black. Oh the joys of drinking with u. PS- I laid in a pile of sawdust. it was ok at the time.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
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