i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
I am too high to leave where I am...And they are listening to Stained. This is my living hell.
He came and then made the Jim Halpert face. does that say disappointment or what
I know you didn't add your TWO random hook ups from the weekend to your FB friends AND change your status to "Good Catholic Girl" on the same day.
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
She washed her feet in the sink at white castle. I want this girl in my life.
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
searching my car for your cum before I have to give my grandma a ride to the airport. Thanks for this
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
