First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
she looks like she scalped a horse for her weave
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
someone just got arrested on campus...
holy fuck look at all that cocaine
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
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