Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
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