you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
..puke & rally mid art final. HAPPY CINCO DE MAYO!
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
Randomize
