I need to talk to you about an important matter involving lesbians.
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
I want to get back to junior year skinny- without all the drugs.
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
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