Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
Just finished texting the 27th male name in my phone that i don't recognize. none of them were the hott kid i made out with last night. the search continues.
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
Please get rnbert tn get chebk h'm in i'm no dead when he getr gome
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Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
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I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
As sure as my left ball is bigger then my right. We will have our moment.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
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