she takes plan B like it's going out of style
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
i feel like arbor mist is too classy for that. you need a colt 45
Yeah you're right. The one time when arbor mist is too classy
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
Randomize
