Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
We have a guy passed out in the bathroom with one of our pots. Not sure if he's your friend so I let him be
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
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