Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
Random question, how's your gag reflex these days
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
if you are still a virgin by winter break we are throwing an aztec themed sacrifice the virgin party
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
I just want someone to put their head on my boobs and laugh at my jokes ....
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
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