it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
I just beer bonged. Soco and spite please get on my levvl my hair is in buns
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
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