At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
We put your drunk ass to bed. 10 minutes later we heard you scream "DICK-PUNCH!!!" It was immediately followed by a shriek of pain and crying. So to answer your question; no, that's not "sex soreness".
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
Randomize
