she looked like the bat from fern gully.
it was worse than that time i tried giving evan head 4 days post nose job.
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
When dressing for a 3way, how do I convey to the other chick I care enough to look pretty but not so much that it's a huge deal?
My vagina: 1 Male stubborness: 0
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
Word. I want it involving like... sing-a-longs and sniffing glue.
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
Randomize
