so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
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