this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
Day two of taking my adderall. I just organized the pantry and alphabetized my dvds. I've missed my mind on drugs
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
Gees I domt know what your deal was. You kept looking at Nick and shaking your head frantically and doing a weird motion with your hands
Tgat was the small dick alert
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
send nudes
from the living room?
Randomize
